Yellow Submarines and Procreational Crustaceans
by TangerineFields
Summary: Armed with rancid bacon, filthy minds and the Beatles, the boys go crab catching Marauder style. Oneshot.


N/A: Massive thanks to **M'rika** for the idea for this fic and for reminding me of the great time we had fishing for crabs in Aberdovey :D Hope you all enjoy it

Disclaimer: The boys and the Beatles are sadly not mine, but if they were, they would definitely be sent to the seaside more often

* * *

><p><strong>Yellow Submarines and Procreational Crustaceans<strong>

Four seventeen year old boys peered down into an empty ice cream container.

They had been packed off to the pier with a decidedly smelly bag of rancid bacon, a couple of rods and the aforementioned plastic tub by James' parents and told to come back when they'd caught a decent number of crabs.

Remus glanced despondently at the tub and then out into the open sea. "This is going to be a disaster," he proclaimed, pulling his scarf tighter around his neck to ward off the cold of the mid March morning.

"Nah, come on Rem," Sirius kicked at the pot, dislodging a fossilised strip of bacon from one of the corners; a relic of James' idyllic childhood. "It'll be good." He glanced towards James for support.

"I can't believe they kicked us out of the house," James grumbled unhelpfully. "Told you not to eat mum's bloody cake, Wormy."

"I was hungry," Peter groused. "Still am. Can I eat some of the bacon, Sirius?"

Sirius clutched the disgusting contents of the stained plastic bag protectively. "Fuck off, Worms."

"I suppose," James said, in the voice of someone horribly long suffering. "We'd better get on with it." He passed Remus a line. "You have to stuff the net at the end with bacon and then they sort of cling on to it as you lift them up," he sighed. "It's not very interesting and half the time you don't actually-"

Sirius cut him off. "Quit whinging Prongs," he tore open the bag and a cascade of rotten meat came slithering out onto the concrete pier. The circle of boys suddenly widened. "Bet me an' Moons can catch more than you any day."

James caught the whiff of a challenge. "Fuck off, Pads. You two newbies'll never match a hardened crab catcher like myself."

Sirius snorted and then started to snigger. "You catch crabs alot, Jamesy?"

James' eyes widened. "Bastard!" He yelped.

Remus laughed, leaping backwards to avoid getting trampled on by James as he lunged at Sirius.

Peter frowned. "I don't get it..."

"You daft twat, Wormy," Sirius was still giggling as he wrestled James' hands from round his neck. "Bet Evans got crabs from Wood, Prongs." Sirius taunted, ducking out of the way as James threw himself toward the railings. "Better not shag her or you'll get an infestation."

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><p>By the time Remus and Peter had torn James and Sirius apart by lobbing bits of rancid bacon at them, the wind had dropped and the sun was beginning to peep through the clouds.<p>

"There," Sirius smiled contentedly as he and Remus stuffed their net with slippery chunks of bacon fat, "Told you it'd be a nice day."

Remus smiled at him, "Do you ever get bored of being optimistic?" He murmured, watching Sirius trying to jam a particularly large and lardy lump through the netting.

"Nah," Sirius looked up and grinned. "I like my glass to be full." He stood up and swung the line and the net back and forth over the railings, watching the waves lapping at the pier wall. "How we gonna catch these crabs then?"

"More importantly," Remus corrected him. "How are we going to beat James?"

Sirius stroked an imaginary goatee for a moment, and then said, "Aren't you meant to sing to fish?"

"Isn't that sirens?"

Sirius' brow crinkled. "Nah, I reckon it's fish, and crabs are sort of fish aren't they...?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Crabs aren't even in the same genus!"

"Yes, Rem, I am a genius," Sirius grinned, "Thanks for the acknowledgement."

Remus hit him lightly. "You are an idiot."

"Seriously though, they both live underwater an' the giant squid's always pretty partial to a tune..."

Remus laughed, and made a grab for the line, "Well if you're singing to the crabs, I'm having the net and I'm not taking the blame if we end up hooking the Kraken."

Sirius' eyes lit up. "Do you think-"

"No." Remus said, grinning. "No Sirius, I don't."

* * *

><p>"Ooh Prongs! Oooh Prongs that's so good!"<p>

Peter was nearly wetting himself with excitement as James skilfully guided their second crab up the high wall. They'd had two freefall off the bag already and James was sweating with pride at actually bagging one.

"We'll show 'em, Worms!" He smirked as he dropped the small and pretty wretched looking crab into their ice cream container, where it scuttled into the corner and hid behind its larger inmate. "No one challenges me to a crab catching competition."

Sirius, across the pier, burst into an uncontrollable fit of giggles. "Yeah, Prongs, I wouldn't dare."

"Shut it, Pads."

"Nah, seriously Jamesy I don't wanna intrude if you're teaching Wormy the delicate art of crab catching..."

James glared and went back to lowering his net. He'd show the cocky bugger.

* * *

><p>"We all live in a yellow submarine! A yellow submarine, yellow submarine..." Sirius was in his element, warbling his head off. A passing fisherman had stared so much on the way to his boat that he'd almost walked into a lamppost.<p>

"And my friends are all aboard! Come on Remmy!" Sirius shouted happily, his hair whipped by the wind that had kicked up again as he dangled over the railings. "All aboard!"

Remus smiled indulgently as he battled with reeling the net back in. A solitary crab was dangling by a claw and sure enough, as soon as Remus had heaved it half way up the wall, it let go and plummeted leisurely back into the waves.

"Oh shit," Sirius yelled happily. "I think we need to sing louder."

"Maybe they don't like the Beatles?" Remus glanced at their empty pot, and wondered if it was possible for crabs to have musical preferences.

"Oh." Sirius' brow furrowed. "I can't think of any other sea songs..."

"Erm..." For a moment, both boys fell silent enough to catch the tail end of James and Peter's ear drum shattering rendition of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

"Right," Sirius growled. "Beatles off it is then."

* * *

><p>Sometime later, four seventeen year old boys peered down into a plastic ice cream container.<p>

"They don't look very happy." Remus toyed with the scarf around his neck, staring anxiously down at the four crabs sitting miserably a puddle of salty water.

Peter chewed his bottom lip, glancing nervously at James. "Can I have some of the bacon? They're not eating it..."

James looked disgusted and turned to Sirius. "Poke one."

Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Poke one yourself, you lazy twat."

One of the smaller crabs twitched and started to hoist itself on top of a huge one. "Woah!" Sirius grinned. "Crab porn!"

"Get in there, Ringo!"

Remus glanced at James. "What?"

"Oh I named them."

Sirius looked at Remus and waggled his finger by the side of his head. "He's finally lost it," he staged whispered. "Call the men in white coats."

James thwacked him. "Oi wanker, kill it. There's logic at work here that none of your tiny minds could ever appreciate."

Sirius and Remus exchanged sceptical glances.

"There's four of them, and we caught them using Beatles' songs," James grinned triumphantly. "So they're Paul," he jabbed at a finger at the one hiding behind the bacon mountain they'd tipped in just in case the incarcerated crustaceans got hungry, "George, and John and Ringo-"

"Who are lookin' a bit too friendly if you ask me mate." Sirius laughed but had to concede that James had a point. "Who won then?"

James shrugged. "We both caught two. S'a draw."

"Nah," Sirius grinned. "No fun. Me an Rem's are bigger than yours and Wormy's."

"You wanna prove that?" James smirked.

"Button it dickhead. I meant the crabs."

"Size isn't everything, you know." Peter squeaked.

"Yeah, and you'd know that Worms," Sirius sniggered, and then glanced back at the crabs, who seemed to have had enough of each other and were skulking about in their separate corners.

"We should put them back," Remus murmured. "They don't look great."

"Hmmmm, fine," James hefted up the ice cream container as if it held half a ton of concrete. "Who wants to dump 'em?"

"Not Worms, he'll nick the bacon."

"Well not Sirius, because he has to sing them off." Sirius smiled at Remus, and dug him gently in the ribs.

"Well not me either," James said. "Because I named them."

The other three Marauders exchanged glances. "Rubbish excuse." Sirius decided, and shoved James toward the sea wall. "Get dumping Prongs."

James, grumbling, unturned the box over the sea wall and the four lads watched Ringo, George, John and Paul disappeared into the waves to the murdering of their namesakes by Sirius and James.

They really couldn't sing, Remus reflected as Sirius dusted off his cut glass BBC News Reader RP to order James to continue "full speed ahead", but perhaps for the sake of happily submerged crabs everywhere, that was a very, very good thing.


End file.
